1. Corporations should have the individual rights of every American person, but they should still get their corporate tax breaks. 2. Planned Parent Hood is causing the federal debt to spiral out of control by spending a fortune on killing babies. 3. God is punishing America because the Gays came out of the closet. Only the Republicans can cure the illness that causes a lust for sodomy – they just do it hidden in airport bathroom stalls. 4. We can … Read More

via fredandjedradio

I try to capture the good things around me to help overcome the bad things in my head.

Well, I said I’d talk about mental illness in this blog, but I haven’t been as forthcoming as I could be. Putting my feelings in words would probably help me feel better, but I never feel like doing it when I need it the most. I’ve been really needing it lately.

I can say with total belief in the fact–I’m VERY intelligent. It’s not just that I think I am, I really am. I know so many things and how to do so many things, I forget that most other people don’t. And because I have almost NO self-esteem, I hardly ever stand up for myself when challenged by someone who knows so little compared to me. Growing up, I got good grades–great grades as a matter of fact; but at home I was constantly told I was wrong.

I was wrong about the way I felt. I was wrong about how to fold clothes. I was wrong about how to mow grass. I was wrong about how to comb my hair. I was wrong about my choice of reading material. I was wrong to be sad. I was wrong to want to do things alone. I was wrong when I didn’t want to talk. I was wrong when I did talk. I was just wrong!! If I hung my jeans up folded one way, I was told to do it another. If I did it that way the next time–I was told that wasn’t right, it should be yet another way. My mom doesn’t remember any of this of course. What ever she told (instructed) me how to do something, it was only what any mother would do for her daughter.

Basically, I was hardly ever really WRONG, I just didn’t do it her way–and her way kept changing on top of it. And still, I do it wrong–I chose my own way to do things and I chose wrong. Parents are supposed to teach their children. And then one day realize they are going to consider how they were taught and all the other ways there are to do things and pick the one that suits them best–not that suits the parents best. But my mom still hasn’t gotten to that stage yet.

But this post isn’t to gripe about my childhood, or my mom’s lack of maturity about parenthood. I just wanted to set a little background.

So–even though I’m brilliant, I don’t believe I can do things right, or be right. To overcome this shortcoming, I guess I believe I need something beyond myself, because even with all my brilliance I can’t do things right or defend my positions when challenged. So I buy things. I don’t just buy things to buy things, I think long and hard about what I want. I comparison shop. I take each item I see that could have a use and decide if it’s a use that I will utilize. When I buy something, it’s not an impulse purchase. Also, I don’t have withdrawals when I can’t get to a store. Not shopping is just fine by me. But when I get into a store, I want to look at everything there and see what’s now a good bargain, see what’s new, see if an old item might inspire something new, if the too costly item I’ve been coveting has finally gone on sale before they ran out of it. Then I buy. I’m sure if I get that one thing, or all those things as soon as I can, I’ll be right. I’ll be able to undo  my wrongness.

Now if I were rich, this behavior would not be a problem. But I am far from rich. My husband and I are both self-employed and at the whim of the economy. Well, you say–get a job! work for a company. Well, I tried that–over and over and over. I’m 50 and I’ve probably had 25 jobs! I don’t fit in. Most–not all by any means–but most of the people I’ve worked for have been less intelligent than me. They have trouble dealing with intelligent, creative thinkers who can’t tolerate arbitrary rules designed to keep the masses in line so the cogs of the machine will flow in the prescribed fashion. I can only do that for so long, then I get stressed out from trying to act in a way contrary to my personality. So shortly after that, I’m hitting the bricks again. I’ve almost never left a job of my own free will. I have had several jobs that were basically temporary–student employee or grant driven employment. The best job I had, I would probably still have except that when they finally got around to buying the bonding insurance I didn’t qualify because of some mistakes I’d made in my past. If they had taken care of insuring the organization when they first decided it was needed–5 or 10 years before–it would not have been a problem. But I was the lucky one they had as an employee when the initial investigation took place. My personality actually fit the job–but I spent too many years making some legal mistakes in my youth when I decided if I couldn’t be right I might as well be really wrong.

So not only was I unable to do anything right at home as a child (I won’t even go into how hard it is to be bi-polar as a child while having an overprotective parent) I haven’t been able to do the right thing when I go to work. I won’t list all the little things that get me in trouble with employers, but in the long run my job losses just emphasized my feelings of wrongness. So I continue to look for something outside myself to help me be right or good or of value.

So my lack of self-esteem and my propensity to look for value to add to myself from outside myself leads me to agonize over purchases and to make too many purchases. That leads to over spending. And that leads to a mad husband! And that leads me to believe I’m not worth anything which leads me to look for things outside myself to make me better. Which leads me to buy things. Which leads to over spending. . . . . . . . . .

Well, you can see part of my problem!

But I don’t know how to stop it. No one seems to believe that anyone as smart and creative as I am can have no self-esteem. The best way I can explain it is that I KNOW I’m great! but I FEEL like I’m a piece of doggie doodoo. And the feelings always take over whenever I need to prove I’m great. So I look to get something to add to my worth which leads to overspending. . . . . .

It even sounds lame to myself. I suppose a therapist would recommend role-playing to help me learn self-esteem. Or I should “act as if” I believe I have self-esteem. Or I should just ignore anyone who doesn’t seem to appreciate my intelligence. Or maybe I should meditate. But I’ve tried most of these things. But I never feel good doing them. I HATE role-playing. And I’m not an actor. Ignoring people may be the easiest, but only gets me so far because that pit of the stomach feeling crawls in any way. And meditation just gives me time to rehearse all the awful things I can remember about myself again and again and again and again. . . . Not good either. Constant activity is the best thing to keep me from thinking about all those things. But if I do that and it’s for myself, I feel guilty. If I do things for other people, I get stressed out because I don’t want to do the wrong thing.

So I’ve been stressed out. I’ve been sad. I’ve been feeling worthless. I went shopping and have a mad husband again.

I want to get off the treadmill of my life. But don’t worry. I won’t commit suicide. I’m pretty sure that since I can’t do anything right, I’d screw that up and have to live out the rest of my life hooked up to machines while I lie around being totally useless and drool on myself. People wouldn’t even have the decency to put me out of my misery like they would a dog in the same place. So as bad as I feel, I don’t want to make it worse by screwing up killing myself. I’m not even dwelling on dying in any way. I’ve gotten over that. I still think our society is too focused on life at any cost, but I don’t dwell on it any more.

I just want to be comfortable in my own head. I want the mantra of worthlessness and self-flagellation to go away. I want to believe in the fact of my own goodness and value. I want to be able to defend myself when challenged. I want to be able to help others without driving myself to distraction and exhaustion.

Sometimes, I just want someone to talk to. I don’t want more drugs. I don’t want someone to give me solutions. I need someone to tell me that what I’m feeling is natural and I’m OK even if I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to burden any of my friends either–they all have their own problems. Mine seem so minor by comparison to some of theirs.

Oh–and on top of it all, I’m in almost constant pain. The pain isn’t always the same. The pains isn’t always in the same place or the same strength. But the term “pain-free” has no meaning for me. I have pain and more pain. If my feet don’t hurt, then my knees do. Or my back hurts in any one of a half-dozen ways. I have heartburn. I have a headache. My shoulder hurts. And now my jaw hurts. Or my hands ache. Right now my jaw and my back hurts but if I take any more ibuprofen, I’m going to make holes in my stomach.

Well, I’m glad my mom doesn’t have a computer. And I hope not too many of my relatives end up reading this because the fact that I talked about my mom would send her off into spasms about how I don’t appreciate her and talking about her is the worst thing I could ever do to her. Not only should I not feel this way about her, but I should NEVER ever tell anyone else outside the family (and by family she means herself and me). I’ve learned to live on a narrow line with her–trying not to do anything that she has reason to dislike while not actually lying to her. I don’t want to antagonize her any more, but since I never really know what’s going to annoy her that’s hard to accomplish all the time. I just try not to do it intentionally.

Well, if you’re still reading thanks! I guess I’ve had brain diarrhea. But I just hope it makes some kind of sense to you. Thanks for “listening”!

As I am often told by my free market indoctrinated friends the market will solve societies problems, if….(insert the big whingy diatribe about government interfering here) it was just left to its own devices. A sample of the pap I usually hear, coherently summarized by Mr.Chang and his book I happen to be reading right now. “We should leave markets alone, because, essentially, market participants know what they are doing – that is, they are rat … Read More

via Dead Wild Roses

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Well, HI! Half way through another week, and on Friday I’ll be heading to town to stock up on grub. That’s what we in Iowa call food. A sack of flour, a sack of sugar, some bags of beans, some salt pork, you know the routine. Meanwhile, from my telescope on the world, I see things are still in basically a chitty mess. Everyone is babbling the same old rhetoric, the same lies are perpetrated by the same suspects, the same folks seek power at anyone … Read More

via A Feather Adrift

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Image via Wikipedia

I watch a lot of LinkTV, but I’ve discovered that a lot of people do not know about LinkTV. So here’s a short description of the network that I will use as a reference for people who read my posts about things I’ve learned there.

LinkTV is a non-commercial station. They get funding from donations like PBS and NPR, but without the Corporation for Public Broadcasting support. They receive money from individuals as well as grants from foundations. Here’s the statement from their funding page:

Funders

Link TV is owned and operated by Link Media, Inc., a California nonprofit corporation. Link Media is a tax exempt charitable organization under 501(c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code.

Link TV is funded by generous grants from numerous foundations, as well as contributions from individual viewers. A sample list of our largest foundation supporters, past and present:

Anonymous The Annenberg Foundation Attar Supporting Organization The Attias Family Foundation The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation Doris Duke Charitable Foundation Firedoll Foundation The Ford Foundation The John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation John S. and James L. Knight Foundation Kalliopeia Foundation The Kresge Foundation Otto Haas Charitable Trusts The Philanthropic Collaborative Rockefeller Brothers Foundation The William and Flora Hewlett Foundation Wallace Global Fund

For a complete list of our funders, please contact the Development Department for more information. To make sure your query makes it to the right person, select Donations/Gifts under Subject.

We are grateful to all those whose critical support has made possible the first nationwide television network dedicated to providing Americans with global perspectives.

Also from the LinkTV website:

About Link TV

Link TV broadcasts programs that engage, educate and activate viewers to become involved in the world. These programs provide a unique perspective on international news, current events, and diverse cultures, presenting issues not often covered in the U.S. media.

I enjoy watching programming on this channel for many reasons. The programs often broadcast information that other media outlets either avoid or downplay. Programs come from all over the world, not just the USA so the production qualities and information is less commercially driven to engage the “perfect demographic” for advertisers. And the programs are not constantly interrupted by commercials for products I neither want nor can afford. A 2 hour special may have 3-4 breaks asking for donations, but shorter programs have none. The requests are made between shows.

Programming consists of news, music, arts, independent films, and documentaries. Few of these programs would ever appear on commercial television. Some have accused the network of being a left-wind propaganda machine, but the programming strives to tell the truth and show things that other networks do not think will attract viewers.

I hope anyone who doubts my recommendation of the network will check it out for him/herself. Many programs can be viewed via the internet if you do not have access to it via satellite TV or your cable outlet does not include it.

Well, Chris got on TV and became famous and then he moved! It was too hard to live in Iowa and be on TV. I wish he would still host Gnomedex in the MidWest, but I guess that’s not to be. I was really disappointed because I could finally afford a trip to Des Moines from Illinois and he moved it! Now I have to figure out how to afford a trip half-way across the country in addition to paying for the conference. Poor, poor, pitiful ME! I know–BOO HOO! If I were serious about being a techy I’d just make it fit in the budget. But I digress. . . .

Well Chris left us, but he still produces great info. And has expanded his brand to encompass others into the fold of the LockerGnome universe. So I still subscribe to his stuff.

The newsletters are straight forward. A list of descriptive titles with a links. Topics cover everything from free software to social issues.

So this time he’s talking about the fact that bacteria in dirt can make your brain work better. The benefit does wear off, so like any medication or supplement, you can’t just get it once like a vaccine, it needs to be refreshed by further exposure.

For a long time, I have been under the opinion that modern society’s preoccupation with avoiding germs has been bad for health in general. Now I see it may be making us even more stupid too!!

So–if I’m wondering why I feel less than brilliant lately, it must mean that it’s time to stop procrastinating and actually redo the landscaping! I got started already. I returned my front yard flower bed to its intended use–instead of a maple tree nursery. Now I have to move the sunny plants back into the sun. The tree the city planted has gotten so big that it shades most of the bed. Only one of my Asian iris bloomed this year. Last year all but one clump were still blooming profusely. Now only one plant is blooming. The leaves are thick and healthy–but flowers need sunshine.

Then I get to work in the back yard to restore the weed bed back to flowers too. And it also resembles a tree nursery. Mostly Angel of Heaven and walnut instead of maple. I wish the squirrels would remember where they hid those damn nuts in the fall!

And I need to plant the mums I bought last month before they wither away because the tiny pot full of potting soil can’t sustain them any more.

So here’s to dirt!!

————————————————-

I need to make an addition to this post now. Originally, I wrote this post in May! Way to get sidetracked isn’t it! I was just talking with my husband last night about this sort of thing. If I start a project and don’t finish it, I have a REALLY hard time going back to finish it. He was giving me suggestions on how to get some work around the ole homestead done this summer. His idea was to do things like “pull one weed a day” or “do one load of laundry a day” and eventually it would all be done. I told him that sounds great, but if I’m not that kind of person–I need to work until it’s done even if it kills me because I tend not to get back to it. I move on and there sits the unfinished projects piling higher and higher.

But, this story does have a happy continuance! I got all the stuff planted in the front yard that I intended. Now I even have the flower beds in back cleared our too! And they are planted with new stuff. I finished those while hubby was out-of-town and he wasn’t sure he was at the right house when he came home in the middle of the night from his trip!

I even have most things pulled out of the patio bricks–except the ever-present maple trees. No wonder my parents wanted hybrid tress with no seeds when they planned our house and yard.

I’d like to think that I’m done at that point, but I still have the little bed on the side of the house, 2 flats of potted plants, and I need to transplant the iris plants in the sun on the other side of the front steps before the shade from the tree kills them out totally. THEN there’s more TREES!!! The entire fence line in the back yard has very woody-stemmed plants growing up along it.

And as far as being smarter because I’m digging around in the dirt–I really can’t say if it’s true or not. But I do feel better! Of course that’s probably just from soaking up the sunshine. Too bad those summer mega-doses of Vitamin D don’t last forever either.

I reaffirm what I’ve said before:  I will never complain about hot weather–unless it comes without sunshine!

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Well, I’m on a self-pity kick. Most of my posts here have been rather political in nature with a little religion and philosophy thrown in on the side. But I did state in my explanation of this site that it would also cover some of my mental health issues. And since that’s what’s bothering me the most right now, I’m taking the liberty to pour some of it out on-screen.

I found a new site that has some inspiration and advice to offer and thought I would share some of it here. The site is called “Self Improvement Base”

A Starter Guide To Self Improvement is one of the latest posts and prompted me to think about my life.

The author recommends several things to watch out for if you have self-esteem issues:

1. A Negative Work Environment
2. Other People’s Behaviour
3. A Changing Environment
4. Past Experience
5. Negative World View
6. Determination Theory

Of course some of these are impossible to avoid completely, with a little work anyway. But others we are able to get by without dealing with them on a regular basis. And I suppose a couple require that we overcome years of learned behaviour. I want to examine each one. I’m not going to regurgitate what I read, but what I say may not differ from the source. It’s just my musings and opinions on the subject.

#1:  A Negative Work Environment

If where you work is overly stressful, it’s time to find a new workplace–no matter how much you feel like you have no choice. And of course, don’t fall into the trap of indulging in the bad atmosphere and trying to win the competition for most negative. Instead of competing for the bottom of the emotional ladder, look for a new work situation.

#2:  Other People’s Behaviour

People who show us bad behaviour have usually lost their own self-esteem and are more than willing to take yours with them. Of course it won’t do them any good either, but they will try to take it. It may help them at the time, but in the long-run everyone involved will be damaged by it–including them. If you have someone like this as a friend, they aren’t your friend–you are their friend, but the feelings won’t be returned.

#3:  A Changing Environment

This one cannot be avoided. Being alive means things are changing. We can mitigate it though. Learning to accept changes that are inevitable isn’t easy, but it’s necessary. Fighting change that must come is more stressful than the change itself.

#4:  Past Experience

We have to learn from the past in order to avoid it, but we shouldn’t dwell on it until the end of our days. A painful memory, an injustice, a loss, all need our attention for a time. We need to allow them to fade from our thoughts over time. Longing for revenge or blaming a past event for current shortcomings holds us back.

#5:  Negative World View

This one is hard to avoid too. The negative events in the world happen all around us. We just need to learn to look for the good ones alongside of them. I think this one is also something we are exposed to at different levels because of #4–our past experiences. Mitigation will be harder for some than others because of our past life, but if we learn to see the good and beautiful, we will make the most of our situation.

#6:  Determination Theory

Nature or nurture? or both? Or can we overcome our genes and our past experiences? Many people seem to do it, but we see the connections in so many others. For this one, we need to learn not only from our own mistakes, but from those of others like our parents. I have to admit, this one is probably the one I have the most trouble dealing with.

All of these suggestions are good ones. I try to follow them as much as I can. I even “know” that they are true. But the difference between knowing and feeling is too great for me to act that way. When I’m down, the failures of my past seem to be the road map of my future. The pain of my losses as a child seem to be the shell that shapes my lack of assurance.

I was never struck as a child. I was never neglected. I was never deprived of physical comforts or needs. I was actually indulged some times. But I grew up without self-esteem. Nothing I did seemed to be good enough. My mom seemed to never be happy with what I did. It wasn’t the hard work I did both at home and at Grandma’s farm. That was one of the good things. But even though I had to work hard, I was forbidden to do somethings. Mom wouldn’t let me mow the grass because she wanted to protect me from the dangerous lawn mower. I could dry dishes but not wash them–she had to make sure they were clean. I wasn’t even allowed to wash  my own hair until I was a senior in high school.

And her disapproval seemed universal. If I shut the gate and tied the rope “wrong” (i.e. not the way she would have done it) she’d make sure I knew the “right” way. But the next day when I did it that way, it would still be wrong! And of course, I couldn’t defend myself by saying that’s the way she told me because she would deny it with no room for the possibility that she had. I never knew what would be wrong–even when supposedly I had learned the right way.

She always praised my academic achievement, but only if I never made mistakes, like adding numbers wrong because I was impatient. Because even though she wasn’t as smart as me, she would NEVER make that type of mistake.

Plus, I was too loud, too active, too independent, not girlish enough. I was always being shushed and told how I embarrassed her by not sitting quietly right by here side when we were away from home. She wanted me to act just like she remembered herself to act as a child. The way I acted naturally, was not good enough. Only when I forced myself into the shell of her shaping was I OK, but she kept changing the shape of the shell.

I learned that math was the subject for me to take as my own–only one answer could be correct. If the calculations were done correctly, only one answer could result. No opinions allowed. I learned to avoid any activity that put me in front of others–plays, singing, speaking, reading, speech, sports. I was terrified of allowing people to see how awful I was to watch because I internalized the orders to be quiet and polite.

I enjoyed art. I think I even enjoyed writing. But I never thought of those things as skills I could pursue. I feared failure too much. I have learned much in my life, but if I had felt better about myself I’m sure I would have been able to learn even more. I was good at math, but I now think that I should not have devoted so many years to it. Subjective studies would have really been more fitting for my personality. But I was scared away from them.

So, I feel like a beaten down victim of my nurture. Like I said, no one ever struck me, but mental whacks leave their own scars. I’m not sure what I could have accomplished based on my nature, however. I wasn’t little and cute like the “popular” girls. I wasn’t athletic. I was strong, but I was definitely a clutz. My voice carries to the back pews with little amplification needed, but the best thing ever said about my singing was that I was enthusiastic. I get bored easy and once I learn something, I’m almost always ready to move on to something new.

On top of that, I have a mental illness. My emotions betrayed me over and over. I think I cried every day in school after my father died until I graduated. In high school it wasn’t so bad, but in elementary school it made me that much easier to pick on. And since we didn’t have a lot of money, I didn’t get all of the “cool” stuff like others. I know that’s not bad either, but if you’re taller than all the boys, out weight them, your voice carries to the next school district, you’re a clutz, and a nerd, you don’t need your mom to dress you funny on top of it!

I have successfully overcome my stage fright. I will speak in front of any size group–the bigger the better as a matter of fact. In the last 10 years, I’ve learned to embrace my artistic nature. And I’ve ditched all the negativity of work places–I don’t work for anyone else any more. I think I’ve avoided all the other negative people who were never my friends. I never worried about changes too much–unless they require me to carry a lot of crap from one place to another! I’m the change others probably need to avoid! And I know good things exist in the world even if my personal interior (in my head) world is misery so much of the time. But my past experiences and how I grew up are things I just cannot seem to get beyond.

Every slip up gets piled on top of the great big pile that I’ve been building for the last 50 years when it happens. I KNOW it’s not so bad when it happens, but inside it looms over any good I’ve done so hugely that I lose sight of anything positive. Even when I had a boss I enjoyed working for and talking too, every time he called me into his office to talk, my stomach fell to the floor and told me it would wait there until I got fired. And he NEVER wanted to tell me anything bad. But since I’d had too many jobs to remember and just about all had ended because of my failings, it was a learned behaviour that was hard to unlearn.

I also have a hard time making decisions. I don’t know if it’s a natural trait of my personality or a result of poor self-esteem. If I choose one way, and it doesn’t work out, I feel bad. I decide I should have chosen the other option so the failure is the result of my poor judgment. So I try to gather as much information as possible and look at the good and bad and only committing to an option when I know the results or I run out of time and have to choose or have someone else do it for me. And I usually cannot argue for my position because as soon as someone doubts me, I figure I’ve failed again.

Now I read all these books and articles about how to improve your life, improve your career, how to have self-esteem. I take personality tests and study the lists of people who have the same traits that I do. I have learned that I am unique–and that’s OK, but I’m not alone, that everyone has value and a special place in the world. That my gifts should be nurtured whatever they are. But I still feel like I don’t deserve to keep breathing. I’m a total failure. The evidence says so.

World history is written by the victors to praise themselves and either ignore or degrade the opposition, but my personal history must be written by my personal critic who evolved inside my own brain. That critic only seems to remember the pile of failures and makes sure I never forget. Even when I’m shown evidence that counterdicts it, I seem to be unable to believe it. Those who praise me don’t really know me. I have put up a really good façade to fool those around me, but they will learn soon enough. I feel like I’m living a lie. When I worked for other people, the longer I worked, the more I was sure I’d be fired. The more sure I was that they would find out what a fake I was. How big a failure I am.

I’ve shared these feelings before. People give me advice. People tell me that I’m really OK. I’m not a failure. Tell me that what I do is important or good or they like it. But when I get down. Down is all I’ll believe. The say in recovery programs and self-help groups that you should “act as if” you are successful at whatever it is you are trying to do and eventually you’ll succeed and be successful. But for some reason, they never tell you how long that will take or how to be sure it happened. I feel as if I’ve been “acting as if” for at least 40 years–but I still haven’t been a success. They don’t tell you how to deal with that reality! I’m tired of acting. I just want to “be.”

I try that sometimes. But then I feel even worse about myself.

OK–I could go on and on and on. I don’t need any more advice. I don’t need any more evidence from other people that I’m a success. I need to FEEL like a success. I guess I just need to keep waiting and acting as if I’m a success until I am a success to myself as well as to others.

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via How Being Negative Can Get You To The Gym.

I read this article, not because I need motivation to get to the gym–though it would be a good idea for me (LOL)–but because I seem to think negatively most of the time. Of course I think with the wrong sort of negativity.  I think about how bad I am, not how bad “things” are.  But I thought it might appeal to me more than trying to think positive. And I was right. but I don’t know how effective it will be for me either even though it will be easier than that positive thinking psychobabble!

The idea is to think about how bad you may feel if you don’t do something rather than thinking about how good the thing will be for you. And that idea does come naturally to me. I regret almost everything I haven’t done, but there are so many things I can’t see any way that avoiding a couple would make any difference for me!

I’ve been a bit down this week–dwelling on my shortcomings is a major distraction from living when I’m in the negative pole of my bi-polarity. Unfortunately, when I’m not in the negative pole, I just think about them faster! and try harder to make them stop with frantic activity. I’ve heard that some people who experience mania actually enjoy it–like being high on drugs. I only wish that were my experience. I did find out that I’m not as strange as I thought. Others have the same diagnosis as me. I don’t remember off-hand which applies to me, but bi-polar is defined as Type I and Type II.

Anti-mania drugs like Lithium work for me to stop the bad thoughts. Unfortunately, they stop ALL thoughts! I can sit still for hours and not have anything cross my mind. I don’t have to read or write or watch TV or listen to the radio or talk to anyone and I have no desire to do any of those things. My husband thought he was living with a mannequin that was able to change clothes and get in and out of bed. So we both decided that I should not take that any more. I wasn’t waiting to die to end my misery, I was closer to being actually dead while still breathing and walking.

My doctor is willing to listen to my ideas about what may help me. In that way he’s a blessing. My last doctor was basically a jerk who made assumptions and didn’t really seem to be listening at all. He prescribed meds for me that are not standard for my diagnosis, but that I had researched and suggested. Most of the time I can function OK. But I still have spells of darkness that make me wish I didn’t have to go on living.

No one should start suicide watch for me though. I’m sure if I tried, I’d fail–so I’ll never try! The last thing I need to is to spend the rest of my days even more physically and mentally challenged from a failed attempt. I wouldn’t go with the usual “calls for help” that they say most women use–pills or some other non-violent, non-messy attempt. I’d want to go straight for the big guns–literally. But I’ve read the stories about people who survive gunshot wounds to the head and falls out of airplanes and people survive the most awful car crashes. So since I’ve come to believe that if I can fail at it, I will, then I’m sure I’d be the one to survive with the whole in my head so I couldn’t think clearly or confined to live in chronic pain from a broken body that wouldn’t work right any more.

Maybe thinking negatively is a good thing for me after all. If I had any confidence in my ability to succeed, I’d probably try. But since I’m sure my negative acts would have negative results, I won’t be acting on them.

Is that anticipation of negative regrets? I don’t know, but negativity may keep me alive.

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Traditional Values Coalition Logo

I just found a new website that I had to tear myself away from! Right Wing Watch

It’s unbelievable the amount of crap pumped out by the right-wing-nuts! Seeing it all in one place is enough to make a liberal cry–and then get really mad and motivated to keep speaking out!

Here’s a small sample of the headlines in just the first 2 posts:

• Americans United: Publicly Funded Evangelical Agency Fights For Religious Discrimination.
• County Fair: Right-wing runs with dubious claim that Obama admitted “I am a Muslim”.
• Bruce Wilson: Angle’s Nevada PAC Promoted Crackpot Conspiracy Theories Attacking Gays, Atheists.
• Do you know why liberals hate Sarah Plain?  Because she is beautiful.
• Richard Land warns that “social experiments” are going to destroy America.
• Quote of the day from the Traditional Values Coalition: ”President Obama’s latest judicial nominee–I kid you not—is a defender of serial killers, rapists and child molesters. He is set to sail through the U.S. Senate, unless you act immediately.”
• Finally, do not even think of stealing John McMillan’s yard signs (My Comment–a Must See Video!)

I was reading and reading and reading–I had to stop before I became nauseous! I just couldn’t get enough! It’s like a big old dose of whip-ass to validate my reason for writing this blog and the other projects I have going.

It’ll be my guilty little pleasure! Maybe it’ll become yours too. That is if you can “stomach” it!

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Is healthcare a right? – Reviews, News, and How To Geeks.

Geeks.Prillo.com posted another provocative post this week. In summary, the post is a clip from TheConservativePost — May 14, 2009 — Andrew Wilkow, sitting in for Mark Levin, presented the most consice[sic] destruction of the liberal argument that healthcare is some sort of natural right.

The replies were abundant–7 pages worth! Unfortunately, over 20 of the replies (at least 3/page) were from one person who agreed with the clip! He spent most of his time bragging about how many gov’t programs he would NOT participate in.  I almost stopped reading the comments because of him, but I slogged through it.

So many people replied that they don’t want to support the health care system through the gov’t, but several replied supporting universal health care or offered several solutions. The naysayers even stooped to railing against immigration.

The most heinous argument for not supplying universal health care is that anyone who has an emergency can receive care to keep them alive. They fail to make note of the fact, that if you later cannot pay back the providers, you have a HUGE unpaid debt that goes on your ubiquitous credit report to the detriment of your future ability to get not only credit but a job, home insurance, and probably any insurance or even a checking account.

That’s a REAL service to the country!

Here’s what I wrote immediately on listening to the clip:

Health Care may not be a legal “Right,” but the right-wing-nuts who argue that they do not owe lazy, fat, stupid, unemployed, burden-on-society people anything, are missing the point!! And they are BIGOTS who use STEREOTYPES to keep from thinking!

Assuming that all people who cannot afford their own health care fall into ANY of the above categories is shirking responsibility to the community to help it be healthy and productive. That’s the reason businesses finally decided to pay for health care when the unions demanded it. Healthy workers make business more productive.

Healthy citizens make society more productive. We are on this planet together and we need to take care of each other to some degree if we all want to succeed.

He sounds like such an as****le that he would be mad if he was asked to supply a band-aid for a homeless child who tripped in his front yard and cut his knee while walking to school.

I bet he would get rid of public education, clean water & sewer systems, and maybe he’d like to build and maintain his own roads and streets too! And hire his own police and fire fighters? or how about his own private ambulance to take him to the hospital when he has a heart attack in his bedroom some night when he’s all alone?

The government has decided, and we have accepted, that the country needs highways, streets, sewers, water, schools, police, and fire fighting for citizens to be safe and healthy and for our economy to flourish. Having healthy citizens is just one more building block in the foundation of a successful country that we have not yet accepted as part of the government supported infrastructure.

Not everyone contributes equally to the existing systems supported by tax dollars. Some don’t contribute at all. So why should health care be any different. Health will contribute to the well-being of the entire nation in the same way that education and clean water do. And maybe then we could get away from a crisis form of healthcare into a maintenance mode and prevent the need for such expensive care for everyone and promote easier life changing ideas that people can actually afford and use.

________________________________________

So when the “I will pay my own way and not use government money so you shouldn’t either” people do start paying for their own streets, sewers, police, and the rest of the things we take for granted as part of government infrastructure for our society, I’ll agree that everyone should pay for their own health care also. But while they continue to utilize these things on a daily basis as they share them with the other people in the community, I will continue to argue with them that health care should be included in the list!

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It is truly an honor to read the works of Frederick Douglass and Ida B. Wells.  Carter G. Woodson is my favorite.  Ok, that’s the extent of my reading for now.  However, these people have left a huge impression on me, and I feel compelled to share what I know with youngsters.  Those coming behind me who are totally ignorant about their Black history. My challenge: What is the best way to present this message to them? I know it would make a differ … Read More

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The author, G. Jeffrey MacDonald, writes to make the case that by offering to Communion to just about anyone, Protestant Churches, especially mainline ones but Evangelical ones also, are depriving people of the rigors of proving they are repentant so their character can grow.

Three of the four comments following the article disagree with the author. I would concur with their position.

We are invited to Communion by Jesus in the Gospels. Mr. MacDonald points to Paul talking about Communion in 1 Corinthians, but he was admonishing that church to change its ways because they were not really communing. People brought food for the meal, but it was not shared. Some ate plentifully while others looked on in hunger. They didn’t need to repent to eat together, he was calling them to actually EAT TOGETHER! to share and commune with the whole body of Christ, not just the ones who could afford to provide a whole meal for themselves.

Communion is a sharing, building a relationship, and marveling in the wonder of the grace given us by Christ. Sharing a meal has a long history in all cultures and especially in the Middle East. It was a way to welcome friends and relatives and to make new friends. Meals were provided for celebrations and in times of grief. The most important part was not the food, but the companionship. The most meager household would share all they had for guests and the richest were called on to do the same. But human nature is what it is and those with more sought to keep it. They likely resented the poorer congregants who could not offer food in the same quantity even though it was of greater value to their household because they had so much less from the beginning.

Don’t we all feel that way. We go out to eat with friends and when it’s time to pay the bill, one or two never quite have enough money. At first we pay gladly, but over time it just annoys us. Why do we always have to cover for them? Don’t they have any self-respect? Isn’t it my turn soon? When the real benefit of the meal together is the together. We do not always know our friends problems. And we forget that our generosity and our friendship may be the only blessing our friends feel in a life full of hardships that they cannot bear to share.

That’s what Communion should be. All of God’s people sitting together at God’s table and sharing the blessing of God’s love and our love with no questions asked.

I was taught in theology classes that the bedrock of Protestant theology is that we depend on God for all that we receive. We cannot earn God’s grace by ANY action of our own. Repentance, commitment to good works, belief in Jesus as Savior are all great things for us to undertake. But none of them have any bearing on how God feels about us.

So I admonish everyone to share in Christ’s Communion with the members of your congregation just for the company and the love of God. And if you don’t have a congregation of your own yet–seek one that shares Communion in this way so you can be surrounded by God’s unconditional love and share the table of love with others.

Grace wasn’t cheap–Jesus gave everything he had for us. It’s priceless. But since it’s priceless, we mere humans should not try to put a price on it either.

These facts make the issue one that is ripe for exploitation by people and groups who want to manipulate people.

This Newsweek article:  Why Americans Think Immigration Hurts the Economy – Newsweek.com points out that immigration overall has a positive effect on our economy but lists several reasons why people do not see it that way.

One of the reasons is the outcry in the media about criminals entering our country illegally, poor women and children coming here to soak up all of our free services and depriving citizens of access because of it or women having babies here to make it easier for them to stay as parents of a US citizen, and not paying taxes because they aren’t earning money legally.

First off, the people who enter or stay in our country without permission are not criminals until they defy a criminal statute. And while many do break laws with fraudulent documentation, driving without a license, and failing to file income taxes they do pay taxes. They pay taxes because they work for companies who automatically take out the taxes and send them to the tax collecting agencies of the State and Federal governments. And they pay sales tax and their money goes to pay property taxes whether for their own homes or through paying rent to landlords.

But because they are using fake credentials, they are never able to collect any of the direct benefits these taxes pay for–Social Security, Medicare, Pell Grants, mortgage and rental assistance, or other programs citizens take advantage of from the Federal Government.

At the local and state level, people are more likely to take advantage of services. Children attend school; workers go to emergency rooms when injured; and some manage to qualify for food stamps. And low wage workers don’t pay as much to state treasuries as they do to Federal ones because of SS and Medicare.

But divide and conquer has a long-standing tradition in our country. We wanted free land so we called Native Americans savages and moved onto barren reservations. After the Civil War, white men in power convinced poor whites they should align with other whites instead of the more similar poor blacks so they would agree to policies against their own economic self-interest just because it made them feel closer to the rich and powerful people.

Now people who are in power–or want to be in power–are on an extended marketing campaign to make immigrants and minorities into evil interlopers who will steal jobs and use up our government services so that they will organize together again against their self-interest and the interest of the country as a whole so the manipulators can keep or gain power.

Granted, the gain for the country is not large. But saying it is a drain on the economy is a lie. But people under economic distress will believe lies if it gives them something to hope for. And the ones who do see localized economic drains are eager to believe that the solution to their issues could be taken care of so easily–just send all of those illegals home and the economy would be OK.

The Arizona Governor is preying on that fear and hope. And other parts of the country are now feeling the strain of an influx of people who had concentrated in a few large states in the past. The fear is spreading so it’s easier to spread the lies rather than spread the burden so no locality suffers so the country can benefit for that little economic boost.